Dear family and friends,
This email is going to be a little bit different than usual because I have learned three very important lessons this week, and I want to spend quite a bit of my time/space focused on explaining them. As I was going to sleep last night, I felt strongly that I needed to share these lessons, and not simply write a more casual/simple email. This is in truth the conglomeration of learning from at least the past two (if not three or four or more) weeks, but the clarity of these answers to my prayers and questions really only came to fruition this week, so I am excited to share! :) But before I do that, I'm going to have to tell you all something-- not to worry you, but to make sure you don't make wrong assumptions about where all this is coming from. About a week before Christmas (or two Thursdays ago) I started having consistent pain along my ribcage and collar bone again. For those that went to Foulger/NYU with me, they will know that this is not new and has happened before. For awhile it was actually very difficult, and it hurt a lot more after eating the big mexican meals I have to eat pretty much every day. I talked with the nurse and based on the fact that I played the violin for the first time in several months right before the pain recurred; we are just having me take motrin regularly for a little while to see if it passes. I have been able to work just as hard as usual and besides the motrin I just eat liquid/soft foods to prevent that same kind of pain that was happening via the big meals, and then I ice myself after we're home and have finished planning at night. I have also had trouble with stomach pain due to stress, but I've been able to keep it under control with this diet, and thanks to the mexican meals I have to eat anyways, I am definitely not going to lose weight. In other words, I'm not dying, nothing drastic is happening, this is not new, I do NOT want anyone to freak out, but this is where the first two of three big lessons are coming from and I just wanted to make that clear.
Note: All of these lessons have General Conference talks, ensign articles or BYU CES talks that go with them. They will all be attached at the bottom of each and I highly suggest you each read at least one of the talks because they are BEAUTIFUL!
Lesson no. 1: God is close to us.
I had this problem for a little while in my mission where I felt like I was asking God a lot of questions and I wasn't getting a lot of answers. I also felt like above all the stress and physical reactions to stress, it was sometimes hard to feel the spirit. For awhile, in all honesty, I felt frustrated because I felt like God was leaving me alone in a time that I really needed Him, and it didn't make any sense because I was trying my best to be a great missionary. This week, as Christmas approached, I humbled myself and thought of it less as "Why is God leaving me alone?" and more as "What am I doing wrong that God cannot be with me the way He used to be?"; and the answer came as my companion and I were getting ready for the Christmas Eve party and she turned on her collection of General Conference talks. I have no doubt that it was absolutely no coincidence, but rather a tender mercy from God, that the talk which came on was Henry B. Eyring's beautiful talk: "Where Is the Pavilion?" Rather than explaining what hit me in my own words, I will now quote his: "Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done,”2 create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time." And that is when it hit me-- God couldn't talk to me, because I was not willing to listen. Early on in my mission I started to realize that God's plan for me and my future-- not in my mission, but also after-- were VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY different than my plans in certain ways. And I really quickly started to reject that plan and fight against it. Not in any kind of rebellion against mission rules or anything terrible like that but in my MIND. In my MIND I kept saying NO, THAT'S NOT FAIR, I WANT TIME FOR ME. I'M GIVING YOU THIS YEAR AND A HALF AND THEN AFTER THAT I WANT TIME FOR ME. And in that moment, when I heard Elder Eyring say that, I knew what was wrong. For people that know me really well, I have this problem with chivalry. I didn't used to, but after about a year and a half in NYC; I really just stopped enjoying when men would open doors or pay for things because there was always this voice in my head saying I DON'T NEED YOU, I CAN DO THIS MYSELF; and what I have realized is that in a weird way-- I was kind of doing that with God. God was trying to show me how I could be happy and grow and stretch and become so much cooler than I was before and I just kept saying NOPE I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT I CAN JUST STAY THE WAY I AM I'M COOL; I CAN DO THIS MYSELF. And so the barrier I for years have put between me and men that want to help me, was put between me and God and let me tell you to have a barrier between you and God as a missionary is NOT A GOOD THING. In Elder Eyring's talk, he describes how one of his daughters really wanted something and kept praying and praying for that one thing, feeling distanced from God as she did; and then when she said a prayer giving up her will to God and asking what HE wanted her to do, he says that "The prayer removed the pavilion and opened the windows of heaven (for her)." I felt really inspired after that, and said a prayer of my own, and every day when I pray now, I pray trying to understand God's will rather than trying to shove my own. I'm learning humility on my mission. I'm learning that even though I don't always understand, God's ways ARE higher than my ways, and that when I submit to His will, rather than constantly trying to get Him to understand how my will is SO MUCH MORE RIGHT-- THAT is when God can be close to me, and THAT is when the miracles happen.
Where is the Pavilion? https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/where-is-the-pavilion?lang=eng
Lesson no. 2: Most of the time, pain is not a punishment. Pain, most of the time, is simply a TEST.
Perhaps it makes sense based on my conundrum described above that for awhile I felt like my random pains and aches (that I have dealt with before) were MY FAULT, like if I could just HAVE MORE FAITH, they would go away because I would be stressed less. For a little while I really did feel like I was being punished for my lack of faith and that the day that I figured it all out I WOULD BE HEALED. What I have come to realize in the past week or so, thanks to two different BRILLIANT talks, my AMAZING trainer, and my scripture study is that pain is a part of life. It is, in fact, an ESSENTIAL part of life. And more than that, we KNEW we were going to experience pain in this life. We knew that we were coming here to be tried and tested, and frankly I think that means we knew it was going to be hard. Most of the time when we go into a test, we know it is not going to be easy! I guess the thing is sometimes I forget that life is a test, and I get confused when I continuously have the same sorts of problems. Something that I really liked from Jorg Kleinigbat's talk "Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence" was when he said this: "acknowledge and face your weaknesses, but don’t be immobilized by them, because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life." I don't want to say I'm going to have problems with stress and my physical body until the day I leave this life, but something that occured to me when I read that is that I might. I'm going to work hard to overcome those personal weaknesses but I am not going to let them make me feel guilty or as he described it "immobilized" because I know that that will not help and that as God helps me to get through these things, I will get closer to Him and come to understand better His will and His plan for me, and will develop "The Character of Christ" and THAT is the real point. The lesson I have been learning best from my trainer is that it is possible to focus on others no matter how we feel. She is one of the most selfless people I have ever met and even though she has her own trials (that I try my best to help her through), she is always so focused on other people, and especially I have been touched by how many small and simple things she has done for me. There is not one single day that has gone by that she has not exhibited "the character of christ" to me, by being selfless-- even when she herself is suffering. If I can accomplish one thing on my mission, it will be to become as wonderful as Hna Gates! The fact of the matter is that suffering, sometimes, whatever level of suffering we are experiencing-- is a refiner's fire. One of my favorite scriptures that I have started sharing with almost all of our investigator's is this one:
"For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." 1 Nephi 20:10 (see also Isaiah 48)
When I explain this scripture to people, I tell them that when we experience trials in life it is because God TRUSTS us with those trials. That is why it says here that we are "CHOSEN". That is another thing, I always knew what I had experienced BEFORE my mission with health problems and emotional problems would help me to know how to succor other people in their infirmities. What I didn't realize is that I would have the opportunity to learn even MORE how to succor others while ON my mission... Before I left for my mission I read this book called "The Obstacle is the Way" and what I have been realizing is how true that statement really is. Whether we like it or not, the obstacles will be there and if we see them as OPPORTUNITIES rather than obstacles, we will not in fact be turning them upside down-- we will be seeing them for what they really ARE. So if you don't get anything out of this whole long schpiel that is probably not organized well at all, please I hope that you get that OBSTACLES are OPPORTUNITIES. We experience pain so that we can grow to be more like Jesus Christ and know how to succor others better, and PAIN IS NOT INHERENTLY A PUNISHMENT. (obviously there is pain that occurs when we sin, but that is not the pain that I am talking about)
The Atonement covers all pain https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng
The Character of Christ http://www2.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/ReligionSymposium/2003_01_25_Bednar.htm
Lesson no. 3: In God's plan, women are just as important as men.
Ok so this lesson might seem unrelated to the others, and perhaps it is, but it's nevertheless one of the big three and so I've got to share it. One thing that was circling the news for a while before I left home was about how certain women wanted the priesthood. I did not really empathize with them at that point in my life, but on my mission as I have shared all the 5 lessons in preach my gospel, studied them daily, and then dealt with Elders on a regular basis, I have had my own questions about God's plan in terms of gender roles. In all honesty, it has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with my mission, and perhaps because I was NOT AT ALL PREPARED to emotionally deal with that. But I found this really amazing talk this week, and while it did not answer all of my questions or give me all the solutions, it helped me to know that women truly are just as important to God as men are; and that the priesthood isn't meant to make them higher than us in any way. Of course, as this article/talk describes, there will be men that misunderstand this God-given power as a superiority mechanism, but that is not inherently what it is. And as I have been learning more about that from my companion, and from the Lord, I have been able to soften my heart and get closer to Him and in so doing, work with the Elders I am around better, and stress out about this whole thing a lot less. I'm running out of time so that's all I can say about that, but I have received the strong and clear answer to my prayers that even though I might not understand exactly everything, I know without a doubt that I am just as important to God as any Elder; and because of that I am able to work my hardest and give everybody out here in CA all of my love!
Men, Women and Priesthood Power
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/09/men-and-women-and-priesthood-power?lang=eng
Ok so I hope you guys have been touched by one of these lessons, and aren't suddenly worried about me cause I've decided to pour out my soul now that I have some answers. Yup, that's right. Missionaries are humans. They hurt themselves and have questions, and they figure it out. I never knew it before, but I know it now. Missionaries are humans...and maybe, that's actually the coolest part!
Love you all so, so much; KEEP WARM!!!
Hna Lindsey