Dear friends,
OVERVIEW/SPIRITUAL LIGHTBULB
Ok so, I'm sure you were all wondering when it would happen, and it has. Homesickness is a real thing that I probably haven't felt since....I dunno since I first went to camp in like 8th grade? It must have been building up, but it hit me one night when I was kneeling by my bedside in prayer and as I was praying for all you guys, I just started to cry uncontrollably. AGH. The difficulties of being a girl. I'm sure elders don't do that. haha, or if they do, they probably don't email about it. ANYHOW, now you know, I miss you guys. But after that day I determined I need to just really accept the fact that I am here, in Moreno Valley, and I am going to be here for at least the next 3 months. This week has been pretty humbling, as I've realized how self-centered I still really am. At the start of the week I was totally occupied with the terror of becoming obese from all this mexican food, and I spent way too much brain energy trying to figure out how I could eat less during all the rest of my meals and work out SUPER INTENSELY for the only 30 minutes of a day that I have to exercise, in order to not get fat. And then I would anticipate in absolute and total TERROR my dinner for the day for like an entire lesson before, and then after the dinner I would just feel horrible (both physically and emotionally) about how much I had eaten and I was just obsessed with this idea that I was going to get fat no matter what and it's not even my choice and I just could not stop focusing on how unfair this was. Then on the other hand, I realized during our weekly planning that I was focusing on NUMBERS rather than PEOPLE which just appalled me because I had promised myself that I would never, ever, ever, ever, EVER do that. Then, we lost M. One night we went to set expectations again and see if we needed to drop him, and just like that-- before we could even open our mouths-- he dropped us. That was really hard for me. That was the night that I realized my homesickness too. I just had such high hopes for him, so it was really sad. I had these beautiful dreams about how I was going to change his life, and then somehow, it all ended in just a few words, and then we just had to move on like that. Let me tell you, it is HARD to be as selfless as you need to be as a missionary. Because what I've been realizing is that true selflessness-- the kind of selflessness that we need as missionaries-- doesn't focus on how things are going to affect us. True selflessness doesn't focus on how all the mexican food you are eating is going to make you fat or on how you are never going to be on that list of people who made standard or how rejection is going to feel when it hits you again and again. In other words, a truly selfless person DOES NOT THINK OF THEMSELF. This has been such a hard concept for me. This concept of how much MORE christlike I really need to be because I KNOW it is going to be so hard. It is going to be so hard to give out my heart every single day, with the understanding that people ARE going to break it. It is not a question of "if", it is a question of "how many" because EVERY DAY there is going to be AT LEAST one person that is going to say something along the lines of "I don't care." And what they are not going to realize is what kind of effort we are putting into sharing the message they don't care about. They are not going to realize that literally every single second of our day is going into trying to change their lives, and they are going to be able to throw away that opportunity without understanding how much it is going to hurt us. But that's part of it, isn't it? I never realized before the mission, but missionaries don't just sacrifice their time and their schooling and their career and their relationships and their families and everything material for 1.5 to 2 years. They also sacrifice their HEART. In D&C 4, it doesn't talk about giving the Lord your time or your money, or anything like that, what it says is that we need to serve him with all our "heart, might, mind and strength." I thought I knew what that phrase meant before my mission. In reality, I had no idea. I remember in the CCM there was a day when I came up with a motto for myself, that I meant to write down somewhere. It was: "God doesn't want PART of you, God wants ALL of you." I think I haven't written it down and/or hung it up because I have been trying to avoid the fact that it's true. But the thing is, it is true, and I need to start really acting like it is. Because if I don't focus all my thoughts and give up all of my heart for these people, then I won't be able to realize their agency as the cause of them not accepting the message-- I will ultimately blame myself. I need to give more of myself! This is going to sound very budhist of me but I think I need to learn how to empty myself of myself so I can just think and behave like Christ in all ways, because as much as I try to-- Rachael is still here inside of Hermana Lindsey. The Rachael that wants to be an amazing violinist and wants to be super attractive and wants to be really incredibly smart and wants to be the BEST missionary in the world in terms of NUMBERS. I've got to erase that person. I've got to be more like Christ. And I guess that's what I realized this week. Missionary work is not a thing you can do halfway. You're either in, or you're out. And this week, I decided I'm IN. I am ALL IN. But in all reality, that was a hard decision to make!
TOP TEN/GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK
1. We picked up a new investigator this week named C. He took a Book of Mormon and said he would read, and he agreed to a baptismal date as a goal which is always exciting! He's super sweet and he has three kids, so hopefully we will be able to meet with him and his family this week!
2. One day I felt really impressed that we should see this part-member family near the end of the day. The lesson that ensued afterwards was INSANE. The nonmember in the family is a super strong Christian and he has talked with us before. But the thing is, we decided to focus on the Book of Mormon this time. He was NOT HAVING IT. He just could not accept that God would have revealed another book of scripture besides the Bible and He felt like we were demeaning the Bible by saying the Book of Mormon was equally important to it. He said some actually pretty offensive things but AT THE END OF THE DAY, he said he would read it and he would read it side by side with the Bible to find out if it was true or not. He didn't sound confident that he would ever believe it was true but knowing that he is going to make an active inquiry, if he really tries as hard as he says he will-- I know it will be impossible for him to NOT find out it is true. So I'm praying for him pretty hard to find the truth!!!!
3. Ok so this was a tender mercy for me dealing with stress and being sad and being homesick and just feeling crummy all around-- the zone leaders got me a violin to have for the week so I could practice for and play in multizones. I haven't been able to play very much/at all yet but hopefully I will be able to play today! (multizones are thursday so I will NEED to haha :P)
4. One night, at one of these dreaded dinners in which they feed us way more than I am actually physically capable of eating, I got to play a little bit with their kids who were both under 10. According to the white handbook we're not allowed to hold kids or anything like that but I just talked with them and played this game called "spin" where we'd all hold hands and run (very slowly) in a circle. That was so fun. It was bittersweet though because I had to be so careful not to break the rules. I really miss playing with kids!!!
5. we had a really great lesson with G this week (who is doing really well by the way) in which we explained to her the answers to all her questions about the plan of salvation and also about how she could recognize the spirit, and the answers to her prayers. This week she was really frustrated because she was praying to know if the church was true or not, and she wasn't receiving an answer-- so hopefully that lesson helped her out! She's still reading and praying and going to church and everything though so we really have super high hopes that things will work out for her!!
6. ALSO we FINALLY got in with EH's husband J yesterday. It was a total tender mercy. Him and her are both preparing to be baptized the 14th of december, and mostly we just need to help them with church attendance. It's kind of funny, EH had never accepted the missionaries for years and then she started having all these dreams pointing to the fact that she needed to. She tells us about them, and they actually are so intense. It's really interesting, I've never really met anyone that receives inspiration through dreams the way she does!!
7. I don't know if I mentioned this cause I can't remember if we started this this week or last week? I think it was this week. Anyways, everyday during comp study we study the New Testament together and I just love it. The New Testament is so beautiful. It's complex too, but so beautiful. The mission president gave us the goal of finishing it before christmas so we're getting on that!!! We read like couple chapters every day...
8. one day at dinner, this lady was telling us about her struggles with cancer and depression, and in our message I was able to share about how I overcame both those things by relying on my Savior Jesus Christ and really focusing on reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and trying to remember all the good things as I wrote in my journal. This was such a special experience for me, and it made me feel a little bit better about eating like......an entire plateful of enchiladas! (oof haha)
9. one day in my personal study, I rediscovered this scripture: "For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." (1 Nephi 20:10, compare Isaiah chp 48) In that moment, I remembered what Yoshie had told me about how God chooses His toughest soldiers for His hardest fights; and furthermore I felt in my heart that though it is going to be hard and painful all the difficult things on my mission and in my life are going to (as it says in D&C 122) "give me experience, and shall be for my good" (thee and thy replaced with me and my) (vs. 7). This was a really important concept for me to remember... and in fact, it's really important for all of us to remember as we all go through trials!
10. I found out last P-day that one of my friends is in downtown Boston for her first transfer! Her name is Hermana Turner and she's awesome. If any of you guys spot her let me know (and say hi for me)!! :)
All right pals, that's it for now. I love you guys so much!!
Take care,
Hermana Lindsey